My Mother Taught Me

Here is something forwarded to me quite some time ago. I think this was taken from a Humor Group or something. I kept it because; some of the phrases remind me of my own mother, especially the last one. And maybe, some would remind my children of me, someday!

My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC #2 -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -
Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world that don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a
good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're
cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOUR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out
just like you!"

(Received from the Internet Humor Archives.)

I know that I've taught my children, at least, about logic, irony, weather, hypocrisy, envy, becoming an adult, wisdom of age and justice in life - humourous style!